3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
