My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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