last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
