It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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