I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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