I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
