So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
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