i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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