not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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