I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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