Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she smelled like a LAN party
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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