Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
