I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
