There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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