"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
