Me. At least after what I've been through.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
