Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
