i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
