sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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