I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
