there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
