we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
