Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you inspire me to be a worse person
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
