Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
