i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize