So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
