I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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