Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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