I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
