thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
