she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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