So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
