And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
