I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize