I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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