Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you didnt know i had herpes?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
