THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
