Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
