i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
