Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
