i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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