When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
