The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
