I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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