I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
