I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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