so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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