I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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