I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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