Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
