mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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