my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize