you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
