you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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