I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
