Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
