are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
