Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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