We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize