well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
You smell like stripper and shame
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
