Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
