You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize