im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
