I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
