CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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