woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
