I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
