Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
