I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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