toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
