i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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