Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
