bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
