dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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